Transitioning from America to Elonica has not been easy. Old habits such as checks and balances, the Bill of Rights, and science-based health policy are difficult to break. But our sainted President, funded and guided by the wealthiest and therefore greatest Elonicans, has stayed the course. Today, as a result, God is smiling again upon our glorious white Christian nation.
Praise be to God that the man who brought us back from the brink, swatting away wokeness and weaponized justice, is at the helm for our 250th anniversary. Despite the distractions of a temporarily flailing economy and a war excursion, our Leader is planning something extraordinary. He is reshaping our nation’s capital like no one has ever seen before. Why, the White House and its environs are barely recognizable.
Of course the fake news has leapt to criticize his efforts. This photo is circulating widely on the Far Left with descriptions such as “the People’s House in a Trailer Court” and “You can’t hide class”:
The Radical Leftists will never admit that our President is an internationally acclaimed visionary in real estate. His plans for our 250th anniversary transcend the ordinary – indeed, they transcend the mortal. Using my connections to the halls of power, I’ve procured a map of what the capital will look like for the 2026 festivities. Let us take a moment to revel in the attractions we can expect in the epic celebration to come:
1. The Repellant Arch
Repel down the sides of the world’s tallest Triumphal Arch. Don’t forget to touch the golden eagle at the top for luck. Ready for more? Try bungi jumping from an eagle wing! Waiver of liability required.
2. Big W Monument Zipline
Panoramic views as you descend at breakneck speed from the top of the Washington Monument 555 feet in the air.
3. Reflecting Wave Pool
Catch a wave at the Lincoln Memorial and ride 2030 feet, the length of 12 Olympic pools, to the Washington Monument. Additional fee for inflatable rafts.
4. Thunderdome
Built for the President’s birthday, this venue proved so popular it has become a permanent part of the White House Grounds. Daily events include mud wrestling, pole dancing, UFC, WWF, fencing, 3-D hockey. Something for everyone.
5. The Golden Palace
Visit the People’s House, garnished with 30 gallons of gold gilt paint and chock-full of golden ornaments, tchotchkes, bric-a-brac, and collectibles. See why Elonica is once again respected around the world.
6. East Wing Caverns
Crawl through the rubble to a secret entrance beneath the old East Wing. See the safe room complex that has exposed previous Presidents to mortal danger since WWII.
7. Reciprocal Tariff Rollercoaster
Replicate the ups and downs of ever-changing tariffs on the world’s most unpredictable roller coaster. Thrill to breakneck speeds like the world has never seen before. Remember – what goes up must come down.
8. Freedom Speedway
Washington’s newest attraction, weaving through the streets of our capitol city! NASCAR races every evening and weekend.
9. VIP Parking
For a small recurring donation of $10,000 per month to MAGA Inc., you’ll receive a parking pass and free golf cart access to all of Washingtrump250 Park’s attractions.
Come for a day, a weekend, or a week. Lots to see, plenty to do. Unlike our nation’s stodgy 200th birthday celebration in 1976 – opening of the National Air and Space Museum in D.C., the the African American Museum in Philadelphia, the Yorktown Victory Center in Virginia, a state visit by Queen Elizabeth II, blah blah blah – this year’s 250th will befit the HOTTEST nation on the planet. Our President Dr. Jesus will himself headline many of the festivities, bringing the positive energy of a MAGA rally to an international audience. Elonica rocks! Be there or be square …
| IF YOU HAVE A LITTLE EXTRA TIME, check out the Legion of Absolutely Meritorious Excellence (LAME) Awards page. First recipient on October 15, 2025 was none other than Bill Pulte, just named Acting Director of National Intelligence. Don’t forget that every Executive Action (549 and counting!) is lovingly summarized as haiku on the Edicts do Jour page. |
Let us therefore celebrate the festival, not with the old leaven, the leaven of malice and evil, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.
1 CORINTHIANS 5:8
