We’ve witnessed another action-packed week in Elonica. Despite the slow-down in Executive Edicts – only 8 this week for a total now of 112 – The Leader is charging forward in pursuit of our greatness. He is kicking federal workers to the curb at the speed of light. His bought-and-paid-for president is searching far and wide for illegals, establishing quotas and leveraging our justice system so key players like the mayor of New York City help him meet them. By my reckoning we are at last punishing the really scary people who have impeded our greatness. Once we stop foreign families seeking a better life and government-workers-in-training from taking advantage of us, our scarce fiscal resources can be redirected to where they belong. We cannot be prosperous as a nation until the billionaires are unburdened by taxes. We need to prioritize their well-being above all else – or we’ll never get the trickle down we’ve been so patiently awaiting since Ronald Reagan promised it to us. Until The Leader is a trillionaire we will remain a second-rate nation in decline.
The Elonican people handed The Leader a clear 1.5% mandate to blow our government out of the water and re-establish it as a smarter, leaner start-up. Most of us here in Elonica are eagerly on board, hating our old American life and looking forward to a brighter future in the new order. But much of the rest of the world is slow to rejoice in the changes we are making. Ukraine, for example, foolishly thought that Elonica would continue to respect its struggle to defend its democracy from a Putin land grab. But The Leader’s muppet president was right to point out that the war was a stupid idea. What would have been better in retrospect would have been for Putin to demand the land (since Jews there were being persecuted) and Zelenski (who is Jewish) to hand it to him. Neater. Cleaner. Cheaper. Europe is aghast at our expectation that the rest of the world mimic our excellence by letting those on the far right spread truth through real facts rather than fake news. Hate speech is free speech – The Leader himself, a paragon of free speech, enjoys a good Nazi salute now and then. Real democracies like Russia and Hungary encourage all voices and perspectives. They model free speech. We are right to strive to be more like them.
And we are not limiting positive Elonican influence to Europe. How brilliant to lay claim to a part of the Middle East! I love the idea of vacationing in Gaza-by-the-Sea. The muppet president’s promise to relocate the Palestinians to cleaner, safer, “beautiful” communities in other sovereign nations is premised on experience. Weren’t we the nation that provided such wonderful reservations for the native Americans we displaced? Haven’t they prospered there? We should have taken a primo slice of the Holy Land when Britain and France divvied up that part of the world at the end of WWI. And who better to develop such a place than The Leader’s bought-and-paid-for president who met with such success in Atlantic City and whose family is already making money in the region?
It’s vital that we establish clearly that Elonica is not the sucker that America proved itself to be. All former commitments that now diminish our dominance are void. We can stop helping South Vietnamese victims of the Agent Orange poisoning that American war policy caused. We are not bound to the promises we made our allies in Afghanistan when they risked their lives to help us there. We need to stop supporting democratic groups in Hungary and other countries where despotism is a concern. Starving people in Africa were never our problem. Diseases there, exacerbated by starvation and poverty, will never spread to us. And if they do, we have Robert Kennedy Jr. ready to stop them. Russia, not Europe, is our friend. Now that we have flexed our international muscle, people around the world are – as the orange president says – finally respecting us. The Canadians are singing along to our national anthem and China is backing away from all of its interactions in the parts of the world we are abandoning. Elonica is winning as promised.
But where we’re really showing the world that there’s a new sheriff in town is in trade. Face it – America became the richest country in the world with the world’s strongest economy because all of our trading partners take advantage of us. Tariffs are our ticket to prosperity. If tariffs end up raising prices here, any pain felt by the working class will be temporary. Very soon new Elonican factories will rise, as they did in the first administration of the orange president. In no time at all white men with high school diplomas will be able to earn fat livings in these new factories. There’s no need to wonder if Elonican products are the best. They’re Elonican. If we level the playing field, of course other countries will want to buy all of the things we make here.
When all is said and done, if people in other parts of the world want to learn about the benefits of freedom, they need to look to Elonica. The Leader saw a problem – the price of eggs, gas, and housing – and bought a president who has been laser-focused on addressing it. We elected a man whose partnership with The Leader puts him above the law, above Congress, and above reproach. As a result, The Leader’s first month in office has brought us untold prosperity, safety, and happiness.
On the home front, I’m worried that The Leader’s righteous slashing of federal funding and workforce is getting too much bad press. People are suggesting that there are no safeguards and perhaps no plan. Hogwash. This is The Leader, who did not become the richest man in the world by acting impetuously. He has said himself that when mistakes are made, he is man enough to fix them. Eventually they will bring back the folk who monitor our nuclear capabilities, difficult to reach after being inadvertently sent home and deleted from the government system. And getting rid of the people monitoring the bird flu outbreak might not have been a great idea, but those sorry bureaucrats must be eager to return to their jobs too. Given the great number of resource-sucking civil servants booted from their unnecessary jobs, it’s inevitable that some people were notified that they were being fired and then notified that they were in fact needed. There’s bound to be confusion when you’re undoing a government. It’s important to remember that these federal workers were never real Elonicans anyway and any angst they are experiencing is no more than they deserve. More about this next week …
And he said unto them, go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.
Mark 16:15
