We did it! Elonica pulled off its first Coronation – despite the weather, despite the brazen affront of Michelle Obama not attending after the many kindnesses extended by our muppet president and his MAGA people, despite the misguided protesters who didn’t even have the chutzpah to overrun a government building to make their point. What a joyous day! Pomp! Tradition! A rally or two! And all indoors to accommodate the latest octogenarian president.
The Leader was front and center of course, but camouflaged as always as a mere supporter of his purchased president. To deepen his disguise, he was joined in the primo seats by his Tech Bro posse Bezos from Amazon and Zuckerberg from Meta and Pichai from Google and Chew from TikTok. The Leader knows that controlling the information flow to the Elonican people is key to their acquiring the real facts and truth about our new oligarchy’s successes. He has transformed X into a trusted source, but he needs the obeisance of other platforms to get the story out everywhere. We all know that the news media of trained and experienced journalists will report events much less accurately than social media users. Real people just know stuff. Strategic algorithms across multiple platforms help them to deepen and share their knowledge.
The Leader is not at all worried about the presence of billionairettes diluting his influence. He is the richest man in the world and can stomp anyone who rises up to challenge him. He needs others like him to overcome the liberal elitism of the left. Unlike the privileged Ivy League know-it-alls who held sway for too long in America, the Tech Bros represent the masculinity of the overlooked common man. Musk and Trump from Penn, Bezos and Vance from Princeton, and Zuckerberg from Harvard are the new everymen. Besides, who in the world would want to live in Bezonia or Zuckerland when Elonica is on the cusp of its golden age?
Back to the Coronation and, more importantly, how it has already improved our lives. I woke up on Tuesday morning feeling a whole lot safer than when I went to sleep. I celebrate the fact that the patriots who protested peacefully at the Capitol after the last election (so committed to The Leader and his orange minion that they literally shit on the floor of Congress) are back on the streets protecting me from abuses of power. We will need militias like The Proud Boys to ensure that Elonica is for Elonicans only. Their pardons are an important step in restoring my faith in the rule of law. Thank God the border is closed and asylum is no longer an option for those oppressed in other countries. That should eliminate most crime right out of the gate. We are free from the Paris Climate Accord and the World Health Organization, allowing us to adhere more readily to the wisdom of visionaries like Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. It stands to reason that when we are healthier and gas is cheap again we will be safer. And eggs will be less expensive. As The Leader summed it up in his Coronation speech, accentuated by a Nazi-ish salute, “The future of civilization is assured.”
In 1952, Elizabeth II became queen upon the death of her father, King George VI. As a component of widespread, worldwide celebration, coronation chicken was created as a show of respect — and is still enjoyed proudly today. Well, the Brits have nothing on us:
I haven’t had time to fully review the thoughtful flurry of Emperor’s Edicts issued since the Coronation. (These were known as Executive Actions in the old failed America. They needed to be renamed so Republicans would not confuse them with the Executive Actions that Obama took, acting like he was a king or something.) It’s like the golden days of the Roman Empire when “so let it be written, so let it be done” eliminated the need for any bureaucracy at all. I am so inspired by this masculine demonstration of strong leadership that I’m going to create a new page to track the Edicts and their progress. I’ll let you know when it’s live.
Have you ever ridden a Tilt-a-Whirl at a carnival? That weird feeling of being plastered against the cage, unable to move, watching all the other people plastered and unable to move? That slow return of agency as the ride slows? That sort of nauseous, seasick feeling when you find yourself back on the ground wobbling your way to a bench to rest for a few minutes before subjecting yourself to another thrill? That’s kind of where I was before I recognized that everything that is happening so quickly – from the renaming of bodies of water to the taking down of portraits of insubordinate generals – is part of a meticulous, ordered plan to Make Us Great Again. Among my democratic friends, the sky is falling. But for those of us who dare to dream, the glory that is Elonica has begun in earnest.
Monday’s epic landmark in Elonican history, our first Coronation – final repudiation of the feckless, antiquated rules and norms that once guided America – calls for appropriate acknowledgement. It’s time for new symbols of greatness for this golden age. Behold the Elonican flag:
Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.
Hebrews 13:7