What a thrilling week, perhaps our best Elonican week to date. For those doubtful that we could really leave behind the America that failed us and inspire a new and better future – our Golden Age – the uncertainty is over. We are so much wealthier already. The Leader’s purchased president performed beautifully at last Wednesday’s Rose Garden Liberation Day Tariff Soiree. After he impressed the world with Elonica’s innovative trade-deficit-voodoo-math-tariff-generation formula, he exited the stage for another long, well-deserved weekend of golf in Florida to watch the market react to his brilliance. Canada got it right: “The 80-year period when the United States embraced the mantle of global economic leadership, when it forged alliances rooted in trust and mutual respect and championed the free and open exchange of goods and services is over.” Elonica will never again be the sucker that America was. The world is clear about this.
Where was The Leader during the Tariff Cotillion? Oh, he’s a wily one. It’s been fun to watch him orchestrate our new reality, feinting in and out of visibility as each situation warrants. Pundits have labeled him a “heat shield” for the president (an apt name for the genius behind SpaceX.) And they are talking about how long it will be before the Muppet president “gets rid of him.” This subterfuge is exactly what The Leader hoped for – the people actually believe that the president is calling the shots. (Remember, until we are able to amend the Constitution to address elections, term limits, and qualifications for candidacy, The Leader cannot run for president himself. He is an immigrant, but the good kind of immigrant, not the kind we are rounding up and outsourcing elsewhere.) You might recall that The Leader initially kept a lower profile, choosing to be an “advisor” without a formal role, until it became obvious that the government could not be winnowed down efficiently without the expertise of his DOGE bros. He has since become the public face of changes that have made us stronger. This strategy has allowed the pretend president to stay above the fray as the people blame The Leader for everything too far out of the box for comfort. He has cleverly allowed himself to become “toxic” so the president remains above reproach. The Leader might soon be stepping back from his public role in the Cheeto President’s inner circle, but he will of course continue to steer the ship. He is, after all, the richest, most brilliant man in the world.
Using his unparalleled technocrat brain, The Leader established that the most efficient way to get things done is for his bought-and-paid-for president to declare some sort of emergency. Fentanyl emergencies at both borders opened the door to early tariffs with Mexico and Canada. War with a gang from Venezuela allows random, rapid deportation to a gulag in El Salvador with no possibility of return. An economic emergency allows the president instead of Congress to levy worldwide tariffs. This concentration of power in The Leader’s hands – sidestepping Congress’s Article I authority, the inconvenience of due process, and any form of check and balance – has laid a brilliant foundation for our continuing transition to Greatness. Add to this a meritorious Cabinet, a supine Congress, and a milquetoast Supreme Court and Elonica is off to the races. We are putting Elonica first. Moving fast. Kicking ass and taking names.
But if we are going to go full Monty to achieve our God-given promise, it’s vital that The Leader test the mettle of Elonica’s citizens. It’s time for the pain before the gain. The Leader has done some preliminary work. He is testing federal workers first, questioning their competence, eliminating their jobs without notice, suspending their health insurance, and leaving them to fend for themselves. Yes, these firings cause pain, but only to a small group of people who deserve it anyway. He is deporting international students who display the temerity to engage in freedom of speech as part of their time among us. Painful for them but since they aren’t bonafide Elonicans no one seems to care much about their plight. In truth the DOGE firings and no-holds-barred deportations – much maligned by the fake news – have caused only minor inconvenience to the population as a whole. The typical Elonican has yet to be tested. What we need to do now is require the population at large to put some skin in the game. Our citizens need to build some sweat equity in our new Greatness – “take their medicine” as the orange president has said.
But how to ensure that all Elonicans earn gain through pain? The Leader has cleverly plotted out Elonica’s next moves. This is an intricate plan, as he must be certain that all Elonicans prove their commitment to the new order. The trick is to provide personalized yet equitable challenges to different citizen groups, ensuring that assessments are rigorous but fair. If individuals withstand these tests without complaining or losing faith in the brilliance of The Leader, then they are worthy of full Elonican citizenship.
The Leader, creator of rockets destined to reach Mars, has created a mathematical assessment-utilization formula too sophisticated to try to explain here. Trust that he knows how to measure acceptable levels of commitment to Elonica. The following grid illustrates which challenges will be particularly significant in assessing each generation of Elonican citizens:
What matters here is how people respond. True Elonicans will not question the various challenges. They will not ask whether they are necessary. They will not whine with “This is not what I voted for” or “Things were better in America.” They will not join the next national protests of millions of people, or voice their displeasure with their elected officials, or start talking about supporting the Dems in the next election.
Real Elonicans stand ready to give their last full measure. Cheerfully, with full hearts. Bring on the pain. The Golden Age awaits.
Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds; for riches do not endure forever, and a crown is not secure for all generations.
Proverbs 27: 23-24
