I think we’ve established that Joe Biden was old. Too old. Wobbling around, mumbling incoherently, falling-off-his-bike, staring-into-space old. He shouldn’t have run for president again. He should never have been president in the first place. In 2024 the libs gave us no choice but to fight gerontocracy with gerontocracy. We see your guy who was 78 at his inauguration and raise you our guy who was 7 months older at his. We’re revising the playground retort from “so’s your old man” to “so here’s our old man.” And we’re not stopping with raising just the presidential bar. No! We’re upping the ante on the whole failed Biden fiasco. We’re all in. We’re playing to win, suckas.
Those who underestimate or otherwise discredit the logic in our placid, thoughtful approach to Making America Great Again clearly do not understand Newton’s laws of motion. Remember: the guy who bought us a president is no intellectual slouch. He didn’t become the richest man in the world building electric cars and rockets because he has an average IQ. And when you combine that genius with the brilliance of the president he selected for us – who knows business and history and economics and science better than any president before him – what you end up with is something the world has never seen.
So here are Newton’s laws (in case it’s been a minute):
First Law (Law of Inertia): An object at rest will stay at rest, and an object in motion will stay in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by a net external force.
Second Law: The acceleration of an object is directly proportional to the net force acting on it and inversely proportional to its mass (F = ma).
Third Law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction; when one object exerts a force on another, the second object exerts a force of equal magnitude and opposite direction on the first.
To accelerate Elonica’s progress, our Orange President and his dashing billionaire benefactor are treating these laws like they treat all laws: as suggestions rather than absolutes. (What’s due process? Due to whom? What’s a national emergency? Is speech protected when it’s critical of leadership? Who says the president and his friends and family can’t get rich from their offices? What the hell’s an emolument?)
I give you the MAGA Fourth Law:
Fourth Law (Law of Retribution): For every action, there is a dominant and opposite reaction; when one object exerts a force on another, the second object exerts a force of superior magnitude and opposite direction on the first.
Here’s how the Law of Retribution works in Elonica’s flourishing Golden Age:
So these reactions illustrate MAJA (Make America Just Again), MACA (Make America Cultured Again), MAHA (Make America Healthy Again), and MARA (Make America Rich Again). They are just the start. Now that we’ve tested the waters and assured that the Supreme Court is aboard, now that Elonica’s people are beginning to see how much better off we are already, it’s time to really rock and roll. You think getting Jimmy Kimmel suspended is big? You think firing the independent members of nonpartisan agencies is something? You think militarily-armed and masked ICE agents in unmarked cars working with US soldiers in our cities and factories, disappearing people to countries around the world without due process, is a thing? Whoa boy, are you in for a treat. Wait until you see what we have planned for the midterm elections in 2026 …
Our old man beats the hell out of your old man. And we’re making sure that ours is here to stay.
A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.
PROVERBS 25:28
