Time sure moves fast in Elonica. It seems like only yesterday I was worried about the outcome of the 2024 election. So many moving parts, so much change. A president purchased for us by the richest man in the world. The House of Reps gerrymandered effectively enough to provide a GOP majority. The Senate populated with wealthy GOP men connected to other wealthy men, almost all of whom jumped on the transform-us-into-Elonica train in time for the coronation of our first Unitary Executive. I’ll admit now that I was foolish to worry. Let’s all pause for a moment of silent blissful reflection to celebrate how far we’ve come in the 400 days since the election of Our Leaders.
How have we achieved our promised Golden Age in only 400 days you ask? Short answer: by redefining foundational values. Across time, faulty adherence to dated interpretations of these values resulted in the decline of America. Thankfully, God sent us two men of faith – our President and the richest man in the world who purchased him for us – to set us straight. With heavenly guidance and the unquestioned support of the wealthiest Elonicans including those who finance the Supreme Court, we have forged a new, more prosperous path. Think of Elonica as a start-up rising from the embers of a tired, failing America.
Let’s start with pardons. The Presidential pardon power was conceived to give the highest officer of the land, a leader assumed by the Founders to be among the most honest and just of citizens, the opportunity to model grace and humanity in the English legal tradition of “prerogative of mercy.” Noble, but where’s the profit in that? In Elonica, enough wealth in the right hands almost certainly guarantees the rest of us the trickle down we need to live handsomely. Profit is Elonica’s core national value. Thus there are two reasons to pardon people: one, they can purchase their freedom either with cash or promises of cash to be made; or two, Elonica might require their unquestioned loyalty in days to come. This loyalty buys Elonica’s leaders the time they need to fully implement trickle-down prosperity.
Our President, in defiance of misguided concerns about his age and health, has been prolific at pardons-for-profit and pardons-for-loyalty. His profit pardons include crypto billionaire Changpeng Zhao, former Honduran president Juan Orlando, and scads of other wealthy individuals in government and/or business. Loyalty pardons include everyone involved in the January 6 Day of Love, George Santos, and Rudy Guiliani among many righteous others. His pardons cause a magnificent ripple effect, sending clear messages that all is forgiven if profit is made in the doing of it and that any act in support of Elonica’s Leaders is an acceptable act.
People say that pardon-for-profit is unAmerican, a form of grift especially repugnant given the higher goals of “prerogative of mercy.” Ah, change is difficult. Those concerned about the new pardon process – in which criminals who seek pardons approach interlopers known and trusted by the President and offer a combination of flattery, devotion, and payment – are not yet understanding the simplicity of Elonica. In a nutshell, Elonica is an efficient profit-generating machine. We are no longer governed by a weak and merciful president limited by two other branches of government, but rather by our first Unitary Executive, a virile, successful businessman uniquely qualified to stir up our sleeping democracy. This Unitary Executive has traded the guidance of Congress and the courts for that of the richest men in the world who steer and fund his ambitions. Pardons-for-profit are a part of governance-for-profit through which all of our resources are funneled to those who, by virtue of the fortunes they’ve amassed, deserve them. We need to allow the wealthiest to become wealthier so that they accrue enough wealth to permit the trickle down to us. Good news – we’re getting closer every day.
Profit as a core national value makes so much more sense than values America has danced with in the past. Noble esoteric concepts like “justice” and “equity” cannot be defined, much less achieved. Profit, by contrast, is measurable. Attaining it requires a new kind of leadership. In the old days before the Golden Age of Elonica, when America’s decline led to sweeping 1.5% victory in the 2024 election, our leaders floundered to achieve the unachievable – a mythical “more perfect union.” In so doing they floundered to be inclusive, floundered to be empathetic, floundered to be kind. We’re done with the floundering. Our new Leaders have no time for antiquated niceties of office. From the lethality of our fighting men to the calling out of feckless female journalists to the use of a more traditional font in government correspondence, our Leaders are outgrowing the need for manners. They are cutting through all that inhibited the wealthiest from finally having enough extra money to fund the trickle down essential to our prosperity. Pardons-for-profit are an essential tool in the Golden Age everything-for-profit armory.
There’s no denying that Elonica is richer than it was. Why, we have generated so much money from the President’s tariffs alone that we can pay our farmers $12 billion for their soybeans rather than selling them to China or some other nation that used to take advantage of us. We can send each family a check for $2000 to apply toward their $9600 health care cost increase. And these generous gifts to the Elonican people come from national profits, not those earned personally by the Leaders through such activities as pardons-for-profit. Personal profits remain intact, moving us closer to the trickle down we all seek.
Given how much better off we are only 400 days in, pardon me while I gleefully cast aside all that America foolishly aspired to be and celebrate instead all that we are becoming …
An interesting side note: Our President was elected 400 days ago and has published 429 Executive Actions. Such a manly fellow, averaging more than one a day! If you’re curious, I have captured each and every one of them lovingly in haiku on the Edicts du Jour page. Link here: Edicts du Jour.
Better is a little with righteousness than great revenues with injustice.
PROVERBS 16:8
