I’ve spent more years than I care to remember waiting for America to achieve its promise. I have longed for a cosmic combination of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness; huddled masses yearning to be free; and a more perfect union. I thought we came close a couple of times like when Reagan brought us wealth-multiplying trickle down or a group of patriots cared enough about our democracy to gather for a Day of Love at the Capitol on January 6, 2021. Alas. These noble efforts didn’t stick. Before we knew it the Radical Left had manipulated us back into woke and socialism.
96 weeks ago the Lord saw fit to inspire the wealthiest man in the world to buy us a savior. Some folk – sadly, myself included – have been slow to accept the gifts this generational leader has brought us. Today I atone for this error in judgment by presenting Our Hero in all of his glory:
Donald J. Trump, Economist
Donald J. Trump, Military Strategist
Donald J. Trump, Defender of Women
Our President has always taken an interest in women of all ages, ensuring that they are loved from puberty to death. He has eliminated the all-too-common threat of trans women intruding into bathrooms and sports. He has removed the angst that rushing into an abortion brings. Because of his high standards, women in the White House press pool and across his MAGA base smile often, demure to men, and aspire to grace.
Donald J. Trump, Urban Planner
Donald J. Trump, Athlete
At 6’3” and 220 pounds, our President is as fit as a fiddle. We can always find him where the action is, holding his own with the world’s greatest athletes. He brings this vitality to all of his work, staying wide awake through the most tedious of meetings.
Donald J. Trump, Unitary Executive
Here’s where our man really shines. John Roberts and his friends on the Supreme Court, working closely with their sponsors at the Heritage Foundation, have reinterpreted the Constitution. After centuries of limiting the powers of the President, SCOTUS has replaced him with a Unitary Executive. Our Unitary Executive does not have to wait for Congress to act and is not bound by frivolous court decisions. His power is unchecked, unbalanced, and unquestioned.
A lesser man would use this omnipotence for his own benefit. He might behave lawlessly. He might pursue personal biases. Our hero, a serious scholar with an encyclopedic knowledge of history, will never fall into these traps. While he studies autocrats past and present, he knows where the line is. We can trust him not to cross it.
You might be wondering why I felt it important to engage in hero worship today. (No, it’s got nothing to do with this being the 666th day of our Unitary Executive’s reign). Three actual reasons:
(1) Our Unitary Executive seems unhappy and unwell. I wanted to assure him that We the People are with him.
(2) People are looking forward to the GOP midterm convention but wondering why it’s planned to be all about a President not on the ballot. Silly Wabbits. Clearly, he is the only Republican worthy of any attention and has earned his place on center stage.
(3) Our President, whose greatest gift is making and spending money, is sitting on a large war chest to support GOP candidates. He has decided to invest it in ads touting his glorious administration. After detailing his heroism, this makes perfect sense to me.
62 days until midterms. We’ve got this, Elonicans.
I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
JOB 42:2
