Hard to believe that this is the last post before the coronation of The Leader and his puppet president. It seems like only yesterday there were a gazillion legal cases – lawfare from the Left – that threatened The Leader’s candidate. Thankfully The Leader’s minion was able to escape the speed and resolution with which the leftist attorney general and his friends came at him. I’ve lost track of the millions of dollars donated to the inauguration. It makes total sense to go hog wild on this transition of power – it’s not every day that a country elevates itself from democracy to oligarchy – and there isn’t a place or group of people anywhere in Elonica who could use the money more.
It took me a while to figure out what was going on with Greenland and the Panama Canal. I assumed that The Leader would be way ahead of the rest of us, of course, but I couldn’t understand why he let his purchased president put so much emphasis on these proposals of American expansion. I thought we were going to be isolationists now and focus on Making America Great Again. And then it hit me. Greenland is a major producer of eggs. In my grocery store, eggs have skyrocketed from $3.29 to $4.59 a dozen since the election – about 40% higher. Aha! We can acquire eggs in Greenland and then transport them through the Panama Canal (the orange President drew this with a Sharpie) to Elonica. Because we don’t want to import goods from outside of Elonica, we need these places to become part of Elonica. We can just annex them – that’s why we maintain a superior military and need a manly fellow like Pete Hegspeth to run it. And – the coup de resistance – we can use The Leader’s Starlink satellite system to facilitate the entire process. It’s a win win win. The Elonican people get the cheaper eggs they voted for, The Leader becomes central to another national security enterprise, and our Muppet President looks tough. Sheer brilliance.
More brilliance – the beginning of the Cabinet confirmation process on Capitol Hill for the stable of unbridled talent that will guide Elonica’s progress. I am relieved that we have outgrown our Puritan tendencies to hold our elected leaders to any measure of ethical purity. When you’re doing a hard reboot of a democracy that’s grown weak and ineffective, what matters is not character or management experience or respect for the Constitution. What matters is religious absolution from all sin, past or present, enroute to loyalty to The Leader. And of course displaying that loyalty via social media. If ever the Senate needed to exert its rubber stamp authority, it’s now. (If you’d like to know more about the magnificence of each of the nominees, check out the Cabinet Space page. I’m quivering with anticipation that we’ll have much to add to that page soon.)
Finally, I’m glad that The Leader is taking those elitist liberals in California to task for the fires that are decimating that loser state. Those people should have thought about the confluence of drought and wind decades ago when they built their communities. Why in the world would people develop an area between mountains and coast? It’s not like Florida where there are no mountains. In Florida it makes sense to build right up against the water – as the puppet president has said, rise in sea level should provide more waterfront land for development. Trust the Left to orchestrate some drama (and claim climate change hooey) just as The Leader assumes power, leaving him another mess to clean up, like slow job growth. Fortunately, he has time in his first week to fix this after he straightens out the Middle East and ends Ukraine’s war of aggression. As we know, we already have a solid plan to solve the egg price crisis.
Good news – JD showed up on TV this weekend, glib and happy as ever. I’ve missed him.
Amusing news – Steve Bannon, yesterday’s orange BFF, believes he can vanquish The Leader from the White House. Pish and piffle. Let’s watch this one. We could all use a little levity in the dreary days of winter.
Next stop Elonica’s First Coronation. Be still my heart.
Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do.
Ecclesiastes 9:7