Gosh it’s dizzying to witness the remarkable changes in our nation since the landslide 1.5% victory of the forces of light over evil. Our Leader and the President he purchased for us have been kickin’ ass and takin’ names. Think about it: 330+ Executive Actions, signed proudly and publicly in Sharpie, reshaping America into the Elonica we prayed for. (If you need a little uplifting, you can immerse yourself in the sheer poetry of this Rome-inspired “so let it be written, so let it be done” approach to democracy on the Executive Edicts page. Handy link Edicts du Jour.)
Until our new leaders are able to fully reshape the Elonican government for the long haul, there’s a danger in governing without legislation. That’s why our orange president is banging to create new Republican seats in Texas and other states, to appoint judges without confirmation (special plans for Emil Bove), and to sift through voter information to ensure that only the right-minded can participate in upcoming elections. Perilously, stuff done by Executive Action alone can be undone. For example, if we’re not careful, we could be back in the Paris Climate Accord or the World Health Organization lickety-split. We might have to endure maps emblazoned with the affront of “The Gulf of Mexico” again. Even the Muppet President’s thoughtful, wealth-building tariff deals are nonbinding. Of course I am probably fretting unnecessarily about Radical Left Lunatics sabotaging our Golden Age and dragging us back to old failed America. Once Elonican citizens experience the benefits of The Big Beautiful Bill and begin to wallow in their share of the money trickling down from those wealthy enough to be eligible to govern us, no one will want to return to an inefficient democracy mired in checks, balances, processes, and regulations.
I keep telling myself that I don’t need to worry about returning to the old America. After all, The Leader and his bought-and-paid-for President are cleverer than we are. (Something about toothpaste and tubes or genies and bottles.) Much of the good they are doing will be difficult to rewind. Once we drill for oil in public lands or water, we can’t undrill. Once a significant number of us are not immunized against preventable diseases, herd immunity (preferable, of course, as it culls the weak) will make us stronger as we develop it. For many years we won’t be afflicted with the waste, fraud and abuse that was USAID, the Department of Education, the EPA, the National Weather Service, scientific research, or disease prevention, no matter who gets elected. Universities and schools, closely monitored and sanctioned, will turn out only those who support Elonica as opposed to those obsessed with diversity and equity initiatives that have muddied our proud superior heritage. Our children, unable to access dangerous ideas in banned books, will grow up loving Elonica without question. Countries that took advantage of the old weak America will forever deal with us more fairly. We sure knew what we were doing when we accepted the richest man in the world’s purchase on our behalf of the greatest president ever. We knew that we didn’t want a temporary reprieve from our failed democracy. We wanted a hard reboot. We wanted Elonica.
There have been so many improvements in the quality of our lives already. As Representative Nancy Mace reminded us, we are reasserting our national pride through the aggressive removal of the horde of brown illegals who have weakened our homeland. If we cast the net aggressively enough and continue to funnel appropriate resources into this effort, we will soon be whiter, stronger, and free from crime. Where the President shops, prices are plummeting – which means that they should soon stop rising where I live. With the January 6 patriots pardoned from unfair imprisonment and militias like The Proud Boys reinstated as guardians of freedom, I feel safer than I have felt in a long, long time.
So much to celebrate! But I think I’m most optimistic about two unusually daring successes. First is the elimination of global warming. For years we have worried about greenhouse gases, melting icebergs, sea level change, intensifying weather patterns, and other so-called manmade disasters. Unclean air. Water shortages. We have developed bogus standards for cars and factories, compelling businesses to spend money on misguided attention to emissions. We have erected bird-and-whale-killing windmills. Our President told us all along that this rising temperature thing was a hoax. Turns out all we had to do to solve the problem was to deny the woke science that steered us and the world in the wrong direction to begin with. It’s not getting warmer – or if it is, it’s not our fault and we don’t need to do anything about it. Weather patterns are not more intense. (Now that we’re scaling back NOAA, we won’t be troubled with this information anyway. Actually, this strategy of denying data can prove useful in celebrating our flourishing economy as well. We’re on to something.) What Elonica should be doing rather than leading the world in diminishing greenhouse gases is making money to accelerate the trickle down we’ve been patiently awaiting since Ronald Reagan. Drill baby drill. Problem solved. You go, Elonica.
The other extraordinary achievement – the bestest kudo of all in the greatest presidency ever that no one could have imagined could be so marvelous – is the DOGE database. Somewhere, while we’ve been sleeping soundly secure in the certainty that The Leader and the President he purchased for us are rescuing our failed democracy, The Leader’s DOGE Bros have been busy amalgamating all of our personal data from all government sources. Remember Big Balls and “I was racist before it was cool” – two of the young, eager patriots given access to our information by the Supreme Court? They now know where we live, where we bank, where we work(ed), how healthy we are, and – most importantly – whether and how we vote. If they maximize AI to use this information wisely, Elonicans should never again have to worry about stolen elections, election interference, or other unpleasant election outcomes. With our personal information in hand, elections will run as smoothly here as they do in Russia. We’ve arrived in our Golden Age – and we don’t have to worry about it going away.
Every breath you take
The Police 1983
And every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I’ll be watchin’ you…
There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs.
Luke 12:2-3
