We’re in the throes of an epic week in Elonica! The Leader, utilizing the presidential vassal he purchased, has surpassed 200 Executive Actions! Ah, real leadership at last – no more fumbling around with bills and laws and compromise and delay. Because he is devoted to the well-being of each of us, The Leader is leaving nothing to chance. His orders range from declaring states of emergency that permit him to manipulate global financial markets to punishing those who helped Biden steal the last election to regulating water in our showerheads. The Leader is everywhere: in our retirement accounts, in our Social Security data, in our bathrooms. No wonder Elonicans are feeling so much safer than they did when they were Americans. Promises made, promises kept.
I especially admire how the executive edicts are weaving together the old and the new. We are promoting coal mining again to strengthen our power grid! Think of it – safe, clean, high-paying jobs for men eager to work underground. Now that The Leader is eliminating climate and safety regulations, we can add to our coal mining capability. Maybe we can rehire the 5,300 men who lost their coal mining jobs during this president’s last administration. I’d like to propose that we go even further in expanding our energy supply. Could we not revitalize New Bedford and other coastal cities in New England by rebooting our 19th Century whale oil industry? Whales are plentiful again since The Leader’s president is limiting the wind turbines that kill them. Now that beautiful tariff deals allow us to export American products cheaply, shouldn’t we look to diversify what we produce? And there is already an executive order to expand/accelerate Elonican shipbuilding. We could simply add schooners, brigs, and barks to the new maritime inventory. More jobs for robust young men who are currently wasting their lives playing videogames all day and sucking Medicaid dry. Gosh, think of the benefits of returning to the days of wooden ships and iron men, back when America was young and great and clear-headed, before it succumbed to woke and fell from grace. We can revisit our last Golden Age as a springboard to this new one. The Leader is wise to remind us of all we gave away but is ours for the reclaiming now.
But we are not putting all of our eggs in the “past basket.” As The Leader looks to turn the clock backwards, he is also maximizing his technical skills to bring us into the future. His data experts are busy merging information about all Elonicans from all government sources – the IRS, Social Security, bank accounts, Meta, Amazon, voter registration, etc. – into one magnificent DOGE-managed database. Once he has details about every Elonican at his fingertips, The Leader is better positioned to guide us toward choices that will most benefit Elonica. Imagine this: he can distill each of us into a simple dashboard – age, height, weight, family background, relationships, salary, net worth, debts, shopping preferences, bad habits, voting patterns, medical history, school performance, social media interactions. Once we are unburdened from our secrets, we are better positioned to serve The Leader and his wealthy friends. And when the new funding bill passes Congress, transferring almost all of the wealth of the country to the 1% who have proven their merit and thus their right to lead, Reagan’s trickle-down bonanza of riches will at last become reality. It’s sure been a long time coming.
The Leader is modernizing not only our domestic lives, but also our role in the emerging, exciting post-Constitutional world. He and his Muppet president are courting new friends on our behalf. Putin, Orban, Bukele – these are the kind of virile leaders we want in our camp. Unlike the tired liberal democracies of Europe, these emerging muscular centers of freedom recognize a core truth: people want to be led. Not led gently through consensus, compromise, due process and checks and balances. No, people need to be led fiercely and decisively so that there is no fuzziness about winners and losers. Only the strong can prevail. And Elonica is, thankfully, becoming the land of the strong.
Granted, our path to Elonica is not an easy one. Daily rounds of pin-the-tail-on-the-tariff can be soul-sucking. We have to remind ourselves that the combination of The Leader’s communication skills and his purchased president’s artful dealing are going to land us all in the lap of luxury. It is vital that we confront unfair trade deficits with predatory countries like Myanmar and Lesotho whose residents have been stealing high-paying American jobs for decades. Why, companies are already lining up to onshore skilled jobs. Before we know it, Elonican companies will be developing vanilla, banana, and coffee plantations for those who prefer outdoor work. These will supplement myriad skilled factory jobs such as putting little screws in I-Phones as described by the Commerce Secretary. And, thanks to long overdue and irreversible mass deportations of unwelcome immigrants, we no longer have to fear illegals taking jobs that should belong to us. Elonica is poised to become once again a country whose lawful citizens grow or make everything we need right here with plenty left to export to others. Trade imbalances will soon be a thing of the past. If we can gird our loins and show our support for higher prices and lower stock returns, we will come out the other side leaner, meaner, and no longer needing to pay any income taxes at all. The Leader and his minion have it well in hand.
Rest easy, compatriots.
In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will.
Ephesians 1:11
