I was weaned on American exceptionalism. I reveled in our shared abundance – natural resources, innovation, ambition, Hollywood, the Grand Canyon, the Big Apple, due process, the rule of law. Broad stripes and bright stars. Amber waves of grain. I studied our history in college, learning essentially that our past was an exercise in working tirelessly to get to a place where we were more free to get wealthier. I was taught that our trajectory led us ever upward because we are a special people unbounded by malevolence or limitations or the comparative backwardness of other countries. In our magnificence we bailed Europe out of a couple of World Wars and took the lead in battling communism and terrorism wherever we needed to. I grew up in the shining city on the hill.
It was grand to be an American. That is, until people started whining about inequality. Expecting special rights. Encouraging their government to interfere with things like environmental or workplace safety. Trying to engineer a diverse middle class. Expecting to be cared for in old age. Thinking that everyone should be able to afford health insurance. Banning Christmas in case it offended somebody. Celebrating transgenderism. Insisting that businesses hire less qualified brown and black women to replace better white men. Inevitably we ended up with too much intrusive government. From that twisted point we encouraged Americans not to take care of themselves. And we became a beacon for every migrant in the world looking for an easy life.
The Leader – the most exceptional, richest man in the world who used generous government grants to seed his fortune – recognized the perils of our socialist state. Since we are so superior to the rest of the world anyway, he fostered an urgency to focus on what was broken at home. To accomplish this selfless feat, he needed a figurehead president who could help to redefine American exceptionalism. Someone unfettered by inconvenient truths. Someone undeterred by antiquated concepts of right and wrong. Someone unaware of world history or geography. A glib, accomplished screen presence with connections to the best and brightest billionaires ready to assume leadership roles in the new order. He found such a gem. In November, The Leader bought us a president and set the stage for our upgrade to Elonican Exceptionalism.
How is Elonica exceptional?
- We have remained a democracy despite the fact that the executive has added the duties of the legislature and the courts to his own. As long as we guarantee elections in which the right people vote for the right candidates, we will forever be a democracy.
- We are impervious to strongmen who “leverage three time frames and states of mind: utopia (desire for a pristine and perfect community), nostalgia (for better times that we can achieve again), and crisis (justifying states of emergency and the scapegoating of enemies who endanger the country).” (Ruth Ben-Ghiat, 2021, pp 67-68.)
- Shapeshifting tariffs have encouraged more nations to trade with us and to invest in our bonds and currency. These countries respect and trust us so much that they approve of trade deals that are mandated, not negotiated. Gifts — planes, investments, crypto, contracts with favored businesses — are a vital part of Elonican trade process.
- The economy is improving rapidly as consumer costs rise and the stock market fluctuates. Improvement will continue even if inflation and unemployment balloon. Stagflation cannot exist in Elonica.
- The sciences of medicine and climate do not impact Elonican lives.
- In socialist countries, bureaucrats fill civil service jobs, abusing taxpayer money to get rich doing very little work. In Elonica, billionaires use government positions to increase their own wealth, thus supporting the trickle down that improves the lives of all citizens.
- Elonican ICE trooper squads, masked and omnipotent, are not at all like secret police in lesser countries who disappear unsavories and/or arrest those who disagree.
- Ineffective government fiddles around trying to solve difficult problems (global warming, racial discrimination, educational inequity). Effective government declares these problems fictional or solved and intentionally creates others (trade embargos, measles outbreaks) that it can be credited with solving. Elonica is the land of effective government.
- The best preparation for government leadership is experience in television or other media. Elonican leaders always look the part.
Gosh I’m proud to be part of what we’re becoming. Now that we have a thoroughly defined trade deal with the UK (announced on World Donkey Day, no less) and the inevitable 90-day reprieve with China, the other nations will fall into line. And I’m not concerned at all that The Leader is not currently center stage. Didn’t the Afrikaner refugees find their way here? Isn’t The Leader in the Middle East with his homeboy the president? As The Leader quipped, “Is Buddha needed for Buddhism?” He will continue to guide us from Starbase, TX, or wherever he happens to be. Elonican exceptionalism trumps American exceptionalism. I am at peace.
So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:18
