Can you believe that the election that ended our failing democracy and brought us the glories of Elonica was only 19 short weeks ago? I thank God every day that The Leader had the foresight to buy himself a president. Not just any president, but one who can be counted on from week to week to provide enough distraction to let The Leader do the real work of dismantling the government.
Let’s take time this week to celebrate some of the positive changes in our lives since November’s sweeping 1.5% mandate for change:
🎉Congress Is Kaput
We no longer have to rely on Congress for anything at all, avoiding our years-in-the-making disappointment in their lack of progress. The Republicans are there to defend and support The Leader (much cleaner than defending and supporting the Constitution). The Democrats provide the comic relief, running thither and yon figuring out how to respond to The Leader’s break-it-then-fix-it reforms. The country runs much more efficiently on Executive Edicts alone – 141 and counting. Let Congress play at being our elected officials, passing budgets that The Leader can ignore if he chooses. The Leader and his puppet president are all the representation we need. They have our backs.
🎉A Genius Cabinet
The Cabinet, Elonica’s first public display of meritocracy, is full of visionary leaders devoted to upending the democracy that failed us. Consider this: In the old days, the first deaths from measles in 10 years would have caused a full-out effort to get our children vaccinated. But it’s reckless to rely on science in situations like these. Thankfully we have Robert Kennedy Jr. reminding us that vitamin A and cod liver oil will cure this incurable disease. And he is at last going to study the link between vaccines and autism, addressing one of the enduring scientific mysteries. This way parents who have been inspired to trust the internet rather than the woke medical profession can reclaim their rights.
🎉Veterans Deserve What They Get
We’re thinning out various resource-sucking government agencies that did nothing to support The Leader’s ambitions. Veterans Affairs, for example, enabled those who served our country to take advantage of us when they returned to Elonica. Blessedly, with Pete Hegseth’s warrior ethos military mentality, those who are weak enough to be injured physically or psychologically in battle will know when they enlist that their weakness will not be rewarded when and if they return. There will be no jobs for them in the federal government and no staff to provide whatever benefit they think they deserve. Of course, now that we are embracing merit instead of DEI, fewer weak links will be able to serve their country in the first place. The VA can be winnowed down to a handful of people manning small offices in each state – no need for national real estate at all.
🎉Deweaponization
The Department of Justice and the FBI are no longer weaponized. They can be counted on never to question The Leader, his Muppet president, or any of his billionaire friends. These agencies, which used to pretend to be nonpolitical, are now being staffed as they should be to run interference for favored businesses, people, and politicians. The Leader directs them. They will prove a powerful tool in our transition from America to Elonica.
🎉On Top of the World
The world recognizes that we are no longer the patsy that provided foreign aid and other support to ungrateful nations. We have no need to collaborate about disease or the environment or the global supply chain. We are now in the international protection business – if you want us to be your friend, you will pay for that. Not indirectly, with intelligence and positive trade deals, but rather with cold hard cash or rare earth minerals or timber for our new construction. Of course, this radical shift in direction has necessitated new alliances. Enter Putin, always eager to be Elonica’s trusted friend, unfairly overlooked by previous (and lesser) presidents. Fortunately, the affinity between The Leader, the orange president, and this luminary of freedom is strong. See the unmistakable similarities below?
🎉Fewer Illegals
Funneling extraordinary resources into tracking, capturing, and expelling the illegals is paying off. With the help of local law enforcement, the military, ICE and Eric Adams, we are on track to deport nearly as many unworthies as the last administration did. In order to achieve this essential goal, we’ve turned our attention from criminals to families and college students to ensure that we meet our quotas. The Ukrainians who earned sanctuary here are ripe for the plucking and will no doubt prosper under Putin’s benevolent rule when they get home. Make Elonica Pure Again will proceed whether we house miscreants at Gitmo or in foreign jungles. Mass deportation is our best bet to lower the cost of eggs.
🎉Our Economy Rocks!
Which brings us to the greatest celebration of all. OMG the economy is humming! Sadly, economists and democrats are trying to cast doubt on the tariff on/tariff off/tariff on/tariff off strategy that is Making Us Great Again. Because of these naysayers, consumer confidence is waning and unemployment is ticking up. Yes, egg prices are rising exponentially and yes, the stock market is tanking. But this is temporary. Didn’t The Leader promise us some pain on the way to greatness? When he and his friends are freed from regulation and tax, the trickle down will flow. We must be patient. The Leader – who brought such success to X when he dismantled Twitter, whose rockets will eventually stop blowing up, whose Teslas are still worth half what they were despite his willingness to throw himself into the running of our country rather than into his own businesses – will deliver prosperity. Be calm and carry on. Better yet consider joining the president in buying a Tesla.
Elonica is clearly on the cusp of its Golden Age. It is a beautiful day in the neighborhood. I urge you to embrace today’s joy and prepare yourself for the magnificence to come.
I will be glad and exult in You; I will sing praise to Your name,
Psalms 9:2
O Most High.
