It has taken me 31 weeks since the election – 19 since the coronation of The Leader and his purchased president – to figure out what makes Elonica distinct from America. It’s a befuddling journey. In many ways, my life has not changed at all. Yes, I’ve noticed and written about some of the positive steps our nation is taking – limiting due process to those born here of parents born here, opening public lands to private companies, ridding ourselves of bloodsucking relationships with allies, limiting spending on questionable science like cancer research and vaccine development. But despite these grand improvements, so much of what is happening is familiar. The school buses come and go. There are movies to see and gardens to weed and vacations to plan. Church bells ring on Sunday. We still have a Congress. The president has a Cabinet (an unusually meritorious one). The courts are busy. We celebrate the important holidays and find many reasons to wave the American flag.
Last week was especially intriguing. On May 30, The Leader, black eye matching his black MAGA gear, left Washington “in disgrace.” His official 130 days as a special government employee – and thus his public move-fast-and-break-things-tech-bro-chainsaw battle – had come to an end. Idiot liberals are saying that his actions actually cost more money than they saved. But of course no one really cares about the money. What The Leader accomplished was the dissolution of resource-sucking foreign aid and the punishment of the liberal bureaucrats who have peopled and weakened our government for years. While we’ve seen some empathy for casualties of his courageous War-on-Woke, even from righteous MAGAs, we know that this will fade. Elonicans will soon revel in the benefits of gold standard medical science, oil- and timber-producing public lands, a warfighter military, and fewer people on the dole. The Big Beautiful Bill will ensure that the wealthy get wealthier – hopefully wealthier enough for the trickle down to flow for the first time since Reagan promised it to us. I am salivating in anticipation of the munificence to come.
Which leads me back to my revelation about the key difference between Elonica and America. America was a country – a democratic country falling short of its founding aspirations, waiting in vain for its government to serve its people. The Leader, patriotically seeing the need in his adopted land, stepped up as only he could. Voila! Elonica is a start-up, another holding in a portfolio that includes Tesla, SpaceX, xAI, and X. We’re a business, not a nation. Simply put, we exist so shareholders make money – as much money as they can – and anything that interferes with their making of money is fraud, waste, and abuse. Knowing that he could not focus full-time over the long haul on this new project, and recognizing that within the Constitution he could not officially run things,The Leader recruited an enthusiastic orange CEO. Chainsaw in hand, The Leader got us started. We are off to the races.
What comes next now that The Leader has exited stage left, leaving the running of his newest venture in the hands of his hand-picked executive? As with his other businesses, Elonica must commit to economic discipline. First, there’s the essential concept of return on investment. It makes no sense to support international humanitarian ventures such as PEPFAR or famine relief. And wasting dollars on lost causes in Ukraine and Palestine? Pshaw. Shareholders do not make money from these outlays. Likewise, domestically, it is foolish to invest in programs that support less productive people. Poverty should inspire industry, not hopelessness. And it is the responsibility of those who produce children with disabilities or those whose parents become too infirm to live independently to fund their special care. In Elonica, with the wealthiest and thus worthiest firmly in charge, jobs will be abundant. Without the added costs of regulation and labor unions, our magnates – principal Elonican shareholders – will see to it that everyone has access to the job for which he is best suited. We can count on these worthies to continue to generously distribute their wealth among us. They will see to our well-being. Good riddance, welfare state.
Of course, transition from democracy to a pure business model will not happen without some angst. Why, at this moment, The Leader is criticizing his CEO’s Big Beautiful Bill. It is natural to question how much debt a fledgling company should take on and The Leader is prudent to do so. The good news is that Elonica’s workers can be brought into line with accelerated muscular removal of the hordes of illegals who diminish our greatness and a promise of no taxes on tips. And when our citizens see the unprecedented glory of the military parade in Washington on June 14 — the icing on the cake — they will recognize, as I now do, that Elonica is so much better than America. We will be Great — not Again — but Anew.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Proverbs 3:6
