What an Elonican week we’ve had! It’s all happening, just as the richest man in the world and the president he purchased for us promised. We are the hottest country in the world with the best economy, the most lethal military, and a leaner, more effective government. America is healthy again, Christian again, and respected again.
Time to let loose, Elonicans! So much to celebrate:
Trump’s 80th!!
The White House (the private residence formerly known as The People’s House) never looked so wonderful! The UFC “claw”, brought to life with strobe lights and bigger-than-life advertisements. The stagecraft! Honor guards for the fighters descending the steps from the Lincoln Memorial. Flyovers and fireworks. Surely the world cannot deny the love we all have for our President and the wealthy men who direct him.
While the manly birthday spectacle itself will be remembered forever, its brilliance is actually what it tells us about our transition from America to Elonica. In the old days of our failing democracy we clung to outdated ideas like decorum and grace and – worst of all – inclusivity. A celebration funded by taxpayer dollars included everyone somehow. But this everyone-is-welcome-here lunacy is just another vestige of the welfare state the Leftist Radicals (Radical Leftists?) promote.
Elonica is cutting edge raw oligarchical capitalism. Those who have proven their mettle through the acquisition of wealth deserve the greatest perks. After all, their magnificence trickles down to all of us. So if the President wants to host a birthday event that only certain people can afford to attend – and if the rest of us must pay for a streaming service to watch it – that’s as it should be. In turning a profit on his birthday event, our President modeled why Elonica is superior to the old America we had outgrown. He and his friends model the revised Golden Rule: He who has the gold rules.
Our First Trillionaire!!
Elonica’s namesake – the richest man in the universe with the foresight to buy us a President unlike any seen before – is the world’s first trillionaire! He is a trailblazer in so many ways, a model of the benefits our nation can reap if we encourage intelligent white immigrants rather than the inferior brown ones who’ve streamed across our borders.
Since its IPO on June 12, SpaceX, with $18.7 billion in revenue and a net loss of $4.9 billion, is valued more highly than Amazon, with $717 billion in revenue yielding $78 billion in profit. Maximixing government grants, a thoughtfully revised tax code, and flexible regulations that allow his stock to find its way immediately into our 401Ks, the richest man in the world has made himself oh so much richer.
He is the model we should be encouraging our children to emulate:
Our Golden Age!!
I wish I had the eloquence to describe the debt we owe our President and the wealthy men who pay him to lead us. In the 589 days since his election, he has transformed America – a sleepy inefficient fading democracy – into the Elonica we love. Our national rear-view mirror is filled with debris he’s conquered and tossed aside: checks and balances, wokeness, a trans invasion, great replacement immigration, DEI, dangerous vaccinations, a flaccid military. We find ourselves respected once again in the world, no longer a weak nation used and abused by the countries of Africa who relied on us for food and medicine or the countries of Europe who failed to provide for their own defense.
Each of us knows with certainty who we are and where we fit in our rejuvenated nation. Our leaders have reestablished the historical pecking order that brings confidence and comfort. Conservatives above liberals. Men above women. Whites above browns. Straights above gays. Rural above urban. Those whose families emigrated here early above more recent arrivals. A hierarchy that makes us all stronger. Folk who had found their way to the wrong places in the structure – for example, women and Blacks in the highest ranks of the military – have been removed for the good of the rest of us.
Liberal dissent is misplaced and short-sighted. As soon as we trust that our leaders know best, our renewed society can become permanent. Shut the hell up NOW, lefties. Let us prosper.
Iran War Excursion Cease-Fire Extension Memorandum!!
We have officially kicked Iran’s ass. It’s time to come home. Our military is needed in Cuba.
While the details of the decisive one-and-a-half page document ending the Iran War Excursion have not yet been released (our President told the G7 he was waiting for a formal setting), some elements have been teased:
- Iran will reopen the Strait of Hormuz that we have control over anyway but ships have been hesitant to pass through.
- Iran will never develop a nuclear weapon. We trust their promise and don’t need to gather their worthless nuclear dust.
- We will pay some reparations ($300 billion?) to allow Iran to rebuild itself into a democracy under their new more diehard repressive regime.
Total victory! Unconditional surrender! Oorah!
Oh. And America’s 250th!!
In 1976, to celebrate our 200th anniversary, the USA did a bunch of lame-ass stuff. New museums opened – Air and Space in D.C., the Yorktown Victory Center in Virginia, the African American Museum in Philadelphia, the MD Science Center in Baltimore. Queen Elizabeth II visited. Here’s an AI summary of quaint but well-meaning 1976 events:
Communities embraced a wave of patriotic fervor and local history through a variety of specific, nationwide activities:
- Operation Sail: A massive international fleet of 225 sailing ships (including 16 majestic tall ships) gathered in major ports like New York City and Boston.
- The American Freedom Train: A 24-car traveling museum crossed the contiguous 48 states, displaying rare historical documents, artifacts, and memorabilia to millions of citizens.
- The Bicentennial Wagon Train: A historical pilgrimage that retraced pioneering routes and converged on Valley Forge, Pennsylvania, exactly 200 years after the Declaration of Independence was signed.
- Unified Bell Ringing: At exactly 2:00 p.m. on the Fourth of July, thousands of bells across the United States rang out simultaneously, including a replica of the Liberty Bell.
- Cultural and Performing Arts: Communities hosted school pageants, living history exhibits, and performances of period-inspired theatrical productions like the musical 1776.
- Personal & Community Displays: People celebrated locally by constructing patriotic parade floats, stitching colonial-themed commemorative quilts, and hosting neighborhood block parties.
- Coins and Stamps: The U.S. Mint and Postal Service released special commemorative Bicentennial coins (e.g., the Bicentennial quarter) and iconic postage stamps.
This year, for our 250th, we’re painting our statues gold and hosting an enormous MAGA rally on the National Mall. Woohoo! How better to sum up our 250-year journey toward Lincoln’s “more perfect union” than with a celebration of Making America Great Again? Now that we’re the HOTTEST nation, we must have a cool celebration of our excellence, not a bunch of tedious activities that nobody cares about. And nothing is cooler and hotter than a MAGA rally headlined by our President, the GOAT.
I’m going to say this as gently as I can: If you can’t find something to celebrate in what’s happening in America, you need an intervention. Remember when I infiltrated the No Kings rallies to get the inside skinny on Antifa? When cars drove by, honking support for the protestors waving signs, some protestors would shout back:
Get off your ass, get out your car.
Come to where the people are!
That seems appropriate today.
Let the godly exult in glory; let them sing for joy on their beds.
PSALM 149:5
