Elonica is on fire! We are the country everyone wants to be, respected again just as our purchased-for-us President said we would be. (If you visit the White House webpage, you get a drop-down inviting you to receive The Golden Age’s newsletter.) How did he bring us to this extraordinary place? The trick is to retain enough familiar stuff that people don’t get stressed at change while working quickly and efficiently to toss out the chaff that wasn’t working in the old America. So, just like every year after a hot summer, we’re finding our sweatpants and fleece jackets, playing and/or watching football, getting ready for Thanksgiving, raking leaves, and enjoying 24-hour a day Christmas movies on Hallmark. These rituals are better this year. Thanks to 3,000 brown people a day rounded up and exported to prisons in various countries, Elonica is whiter and safer and happier and Christianer and more hopeful than it’s been in a very long time. Autumn is a beautiful season in Elonica. Now that it’s just us – the right people, the people who deserve to be here – it’s even sweeter.
We are enjoying our typical American lives, safer and more prosperous of course now that we are Elonica. All around us is change – important change, change that is opening the door to our Golden Age. Some of this change is quick, easy to see and celebrate. New names, for example, like the Gulf of America or the Department of War. New signage at the White House, to help focus our aging President whose mind might be too burdened with matters of state like the Epstein files or affordability to find his way easily to the Oval Office. A return to plastic straws from paper ones or to the kind of water pressure in showers that a strong democracy deserves. A new gilded ballroom rising from the rubble of a White House not posh enough for a Golden Age deity. Elonicans want action they can see. Our virile Leaders are giving it to them.
But the changes that are truly making us Great Again are deeper, more subtle. Now that we have committed fully to the idea of a Unitary Executive with broad immunity to unleash unbounded power, we can at last become the country the Founders envisioned in rejecting monarchy. When the Founders created a co-equal Congress to check and balance the other two branches of government including the Executive, they never meant for the will of the people to be vested in representatives and senators. No, Congress was not designed to represent the will of citizens in government, but rather to disseminate the will of the Unitary Executive to the people. Codependent as opposed to coequal. We’ve been doing it backwards for 250 years.
We can already see how rethinking the role of Congress is making Elonican greatness possible. Under the old, faulty interpretation, Congress would have a voice in activities like war with Venezuela, or tariffs, or using “the power of the purse” to determine how citizens’ tax money is spent. Face it: we tried it that way and ended up with open borders and inferior schools and woke universities and DEI and a trade deficit that made it impossible for us to prosper. The logical response to America’s failings is to embrace a Unitary Executive guided and funded by the wealthiest among us. If we want to be a democracy, then we must vest power in the handful of people who have proven their merit through the accumulation of great fortunes.
To further this superior approach to democracy, I propose one more change that will clarify for the Elonican people how far we have come. It’s a simple name change. The word “Congress” comes from the Latin word “congressus,” meaning either a friendly meeting or a hostile encounter. Prescient, no? The point is, with a Unitary Executive supported by the most influential citizens, our representatives don’t need to come together, either in friendship or in hostility. Actually, we’ve tested this: the House of Representatives accomplished as much during the 54 days it was not in session during the shutdown as it accomplishes when it meets in Washington. So I propose that we rename Congress “Egress.”
Egress, which means leaving a place, better describes the role of our representatives in our new UED (Unitary Executive Democracy.) They can still raise and spend scads of campaign money, which is fundamental to our system and drives the work of our electees once in office. They can still showcase what’s wrong with people in the other party every couple of years through ads and digital slime. Representatives and senators can still meet in their various caucuses to express umbrage and work on effective messaging to spin information disseminated from above. But “Egress,” unlike “Congress,” emphasizes the essence of the legislative branch in a Unitary Executive Democracy – to get out and share the will of the Unitary Executive. The name Egress will remind representatives that their most important job is to persuade their constituents that the Unitary Executive is making the best decisions to protect people’s interests. Reps can spend a little time together sharing ideas about message discipline and optimal delivery platforms, but where they are really needed is out in the country-at-large sharing the wisdom and agenda of the Unitary Executive. Egressing, not congressing. Hmm. The Egress of the United States of America. I like how it rolls off the tongue.
Oh, this is such a glorious time to be alive and witnessing history. The Gulf of America. The Department of War. The Epstein Ballroom. The United States Egress. Fitting harbingers of our Golden Age.
Color me giddy.
For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.
matthew 18:20
