Summer vacation is over. Across Elonica kids are headed back to school. New clothes. New shoes. Haircuts. Backpacks. Notebooks. Crayons. It’s a proud national ritual played out in big yellow buses and carpools everywhere. Like so many things in Elonica, we didn’t always stop to think how broken our schools were. This year, for the first time, we’re seeing what’s possible with the right kind of leadership. Back to school in Elonica is, of course, so much better than back to school in America.
Much of the start of the 2025-26 school year is deceptively familiar. We began with a school shooting. This one, though not as deadly as Uvalde or Sandy Hook, targeted Catholic elementary students in their first whole-school mass. They were praying in their church as an attacker let loose with an automatic weapon, breaking new ground in the depravity of K-12 slaughter. Unlike responses to previous such horrific events, our talented President did not stop at thoughts and prayers and condolences. No, this time, he immediately issued an Executive Action (his 352nd) to lower flags across the nation to half mast – decisive action that should put an end to this perennial violence as he Makes America Safe Again. And there’s more: because we’re pretty much finished proving that vaccines cause autism, HHS Secretary Kennedy has time to focus on the never-before-explored connection between antidepressants and violence. Our guys are ON IT.
Thankfully, after decades of woke indoctrination, our children are returning to schools purified of radical leftist ideology. They won’t find To Kill A Mockingbird or The Giver or The Jackie Robinson Story in their libraries. Teachers, using materials from Prager University and other vetted sources, will teach our real history, not that stuff that suggests that America has ever been anything but fair and just to all of its citizens. If our children extend their learning in the country’s museums – which MAGA families might start to visit now that bad stuff (like Harriet Tubman’s prayerbook) is no longer on display – we can reinforce their patriotism. Now that teachers and guidance counselors and school nurses are not recruiting innocents to become gay or trans, our moral fiber will be stronger. If tradwives and dads (when they come home from their higher paying jobs) do their duty well, it will soon be 1955 again: a happy, wokeless, respected-by-the-world meritocracy
Our schools will be purer in another way as well. Illegals can attend them if they want – that’s still the law – but the students and their parents might encounter ICE in the parking lot. When you read that Homeland Security is profiling Hispanic people, that’s just a radical leftist lie. Anyone who is not one of us is fair game. Homeland Security has been at this for several months now and can tell by looking who needs to be challenged. We know this strategy is working because so many children who do not belong in Elonica aren’t attending school at all. That means that our white children can get the attention they deserve.
Our President and the billionaire who purchased him are dead serious about improving the quality of America’s schools. They have all of the bases covered. First, they appointed a giant in education – Linda McMahon of World Wrestling Entertainment – to lead our transformation to international competitiveness. Recognizing that DEI and woke had ruined our schools (as they ruined America in general), the Orange President issued an executive order on April 23 “Restoring Common Sense School Discipline Policies.” For years schools had been held to task if they disciplined blacks and other “minority students” more frequently or harshly than their white counterparts. This resulted in schools favoring these minority students – discrimination that caused chaos and inequality. Well thankfully that’s gone. We proved decades ago that we are not a biased society – so paying attention to the data that minorities haven’t fared so well in our schools is an empty exercise. (Data, as we have established, is mostly a woke inconvenience anyway.) If kids screw up, punish them. That’s education.
Our schools will now become models of efficiency since our president and the billionaire who purchased him for us have eliminated waste, fraud, and abuse. Fewer teachers, less special education (don’t even get me started on the ADHD scam), no remedial support. Back to basics. Breakfast and lunch for hungry students? Waste. Title I to offset the effects of poverty? Fraud. English Language Learner services? Abuse. Schools should run like businesses – students as products and parents as customers. Parents dissatisfied with their public schools can vote with their feet, taking advantage of vouchers to send their kids to private schools that will do a better job. Quality education, like health insurance, is a commodity, not a right. Fewer resources will encourage schools to improve themselves. In no time at all, we will catch up with the rest of the world in both reading and math.
The beginning of every school year is such a time of hope and promise. As Elonicans, we’ll finally have the public schools we deserve, where students can learn to love their assigned place in our new, improved democracy, ready to fill their roles joyfully, obediently, and without question. 2025-26 is going to be the best school year EVER.
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6
