Last week, inspired by my brilliant oldest nephew, I explored the possibility that we are entering the world’s first Orange Age. To be clear, I am not disavowing the Golden Age promised us by our President and the richest man in the world who purchased him for us. No. It seems that a mere Golden Age – delivering the trickle down we have awaited since Reagan along with rekindled respect across the globe for our flawless nation – is not a worthy enough goal. Heck, our leaders (unlike anything the world has ever seen) have already brought down prices, ended global warming, fixed education, and weeded out waste, fraud and abuse from our bloated government. They have the brown invaders on the run. A Golden Age might have been enough for our old failed democracy – for America. Elonica offers us so much more.
It’s the leadership that’s making the difference. We finally got what our democracy was crying out for – a leader with the chops to cut through all of the inconveniences and inefficiencies built into our Constitution. Congress? Functions best as a rubber stamp. Checks and balances? Only necessary when the people are not 100% on board with the Leader’s vision, which clearly does not apply here. Judiciary? Populated with the right people, the courts can be counted on to create what truckers would call a “clean and green” path to progress. Funding? Decide how, whether and when to spend money allocated by Congress.
My nephew is onto something with this orange theme. What we have in our bought-and-paid-for president is a bonafide human Agent Orange. Some of you might recall that one of our gifts to the world was dropping the herbicide Agent Orange on much of Vietnam to destroy the vegetation so that our war there would be easier to execute. It worked. Agent Orange weakened everything it touched – our soldiers, their soldiers, civilians, the forests, the farmland, the water. (Interesting aside – one of the programs DOGE wisely axed as waste, fraud, and abuse was ongoing mitigation of the effects of Agent Orange in Vietnam.)
Our Elonican Agent Orange is busy decimating the metaphorical jungle that’s in his way. He has obliterated relationships with the democracies of the world, ending decades of unprofitable business and defense arrangements. He is using his Justice Department as it was intended to be used, attacking the Radical Left Lunatics who unfairly challenge him. He is razing regulations and offices and departments that might slow him down. He is commandeering our state-by-state election system so that it will function as intended. And he is sending National Guard Units from across the country to minimize unlawful protest in the nation’s capital, experimenting with their potential role in subsequent pass protection as he works his way down the field. (Yes, it’s a big metaphor day here.)
How can we be sure that our bought-and-paid-for president is an orange agent and not just another run-of-the-mill Florida artificial tan guy? One way we know he’s an agent is his suave demeanor. He is calm and collected, communicating fluently with a sanguine equanimity that bespeaks his quiet confidence. The man has a way with women of all ages, from the Epstein girls he partied with (but of course never abused) to Grandmoms for Liberty. And men – tough men like Putin – treat him with respect and deference. One look at his svelte blue suits and red ties – the uniform de rigueur for MAGA men – and we can be sure that we’re dealing with a patriot of the highest order. And boy can he dance. If he drank, can’t you just imagine how he’d sound ordering a martini? “Shaken, not stirred, Moneypenny.” Our Muppet President looks cool beyond words. A veritable visual force among the world’s leaders.
But we don’t have to rely only on the way he presents himself. One of the especially marvelous things about Vietnam’s Agent Orange is its half-life (the time it takes for a substance and its effects to reduce by half. It takes 4-5 half lives for a substance to be 95% gone.) Agent Orange on a surface exposed to sunlight has a relatively short half life. But once it is absorbed into places that don’t receive direct sunlight – like riverbeds or human bodies – it takes decades to mitigate. And while it’s around it continues to influence its environment in unforeseen ways. After years of research (back when America wasted money on such endeavors), the Veterans Administration has come to recognize 17 health issues known to be caused by Agent Orange exposure. In Vietnam, fifty years after the fall of Saigon, Agent Orange continues to impact farmland, livestock, and people’s health.
Our Agent Orange is impacting Elonica in ways seen and not yet seen. Yes, in the immediate term, he is clearing “jungles.” Moderate Republicans have gone the way of the dodo. The Rose Garden is gone, soon to be followed by forests on public land. Countless agencies – USAID, The Department of Education, the Consumer Labor Relations Board – are no longer recognizable. You could argue that these casualties of war could grow back quickly if replanted. (One of the reasons to modify elections is to ensure that these resource-suckers don’t ever have a chance to grow back. Elonica is so much better off without them.)
Blessedly, Elonica’s Agent Orange is also permeating the landscape with achievements whose half-lives, while unknown, are probably lengthy. How long will colleges and universities stand firm against diversity? When will Europe deign to trust us enough to take advantage of us again? How long can the FBI, CIA, National Weather Service, and National Park Service remain ideologically pure? When the undeserving who are expelled from health insurance and food support programs whine loudly enough, will weak, woke libs succeed in restoring their “rights?” How long before we are overrun once again with brown people? How certain can we be of economic data? Health data? Election data? You can see how each of these mysteries lends itself to other questions: If colleges become less diverse by design, then how will that impact diversity in workplaces? Can we return to the race-based meritocracy the libs foolishly tried to abandon? As Agent Orange worms itself into all aspects of Elonican life, it will become ever more difficult to detect it. When we find it we will have to find ways to combat it. Half-lives everywhere.
It is the probability of decades of half-life – even more than his sophisticated secret agent vibe – that reassures me that we have been blessed with a bonafide Agent Orange. We’ll reap the rewards of his epic metaphorical deforestation of our democracy for many many many years to come. Elonica will outlive us all. Hallelujah.
And these signs will accompany those who believe: in my name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues.
Mark 16:17
